By: Ashleigh Cieri, Director of Programs at Compeer Buffalo
Content Warning: The following content speaks about losing a child, stillbirth, and the unique challenges of navigating grief during the holidays. Please take care while reading.
The holiday season– with its lights, gatherings, traditions and expectations– is often portrayed as one of the most joyful, festive times of the year. But for many of us who are grieving the loss of a loved one, or experiencing any other kind of grief, the season can also bring a heavier heart, heightened memories, and sense of loss. In my role at Compeer Buffalo and in our work supporting friendships, mental well‑being, and connection, I’ve seen firsthand how grief impacts mental health, and the holidays can be both an opportunity for remembrance and a challenge for the spirit. I also have my own grief journey: In 2015 I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, Shalan, and lost her identical twin sister, Genevieve, to stillbirth at almost full term. Now ten years later, we still keep her memory alive during the holidays and year-round.
Thoughts on why the holidays feel different when you’re grieving…
When someone we love is gone, the familiar rhythms of the season can suddenly feel foreign or even painful. Some of the reasons include:
– The absence of someone who always played a central role in the celebrations.
– Traditions that now feel hollow or bring reminders of “then vs now.”
– Expectations that we should feel happy or carry on as usual.
– The physical and social fatigue of the season combined with grief. In my family, the holidays are both joyous because we celebrate traditions together through the eyes of our two current children, while also feeling sad and remembering Genevieve.
What helped me, and what research suggests…
Here are some strategies for coping with grief during the holidays that have helped me, and I hope can bring you some comfort and grace as well:
1. Acknowledge your feelings– It’s okay to feel sad, angry, nostalgic, or numb. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. I like to write about my feelings or look through past family photos.
2. Set realistic expectations & give yourself permission– You don’t have to do everything or “be okay.” Participate only in what feels manageable. I work hard not to over-commit myself, especially during the holiday season.
3. Create or modify traditions– Adapt a cherished tradition or begin a new one to honor your loved one. We started decorating a small Christmas tree with ornaments for Genevieve each year.
4. Honor your loved one’s memory– Include the person you lost in your holiday in meaningful ways. We visit Genevieve’s grave each winter during the holidays.
5. Self‑care and boundaries matter– Grief is tiring. Rest, nourish your body, and decline invitations when needed. I allow time for me to rest and be alone when everything feels a bit too loud.
6. Reach out for support– Talking with someone or joining a group can make a difference. I reach out to my friends, family and therapist when I need to talk.
7. Balance grief and joy; they can coexist– Moments of laughter or peace are allowed and do not diminish your love. I work hard to give myself permission to smile when my children and family experience joy during the holidays.
Final thoughts…
This holiday season may look different, and that’s okay. Your grief is valid, and the love you shared remains part of your story. At Compeer Buffalo, our mission includes holding space for grief, mental wellness and friendship. If this season feels heavy, know you’re not alone. If moments of peace appear, they are part of healing.
Wishing you compassion and presence in the days ahead.
Call‑to‑Action / Invitation…
If you’d like to share a way you remember a loved one or explorevolunteer‑friendship opportunities, please reach out to our Compeer team at volunteer@compeerbuffalo.org or visit our volunteer application on our website: https://compeerbuffalo.org/volunteer-roles/
